So Hard

In following up with one of Wednesday’s posts, “You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You’re Drunk,” I’ve thought about some of the issues, such as even posting some detail what happened. I’ve tried to protect the innocent/guilty with omitting the name and any more incriminating details. That part’s always a challenge and even then, readers figure it out. It’s definitely the case with one professor from my graduate school who once posted on the drunken antics of one her colleagues, though a second-hand narrative from her students. She omitted the name, but anyone acquainted with the university’s English Department could figure it out who this guy was.

I was also dealing with another issue from this incident—abuse. While this friend of mine didn’t hit me, I consider his attempt to engage me into an argument and his leaving a rant on my voicemail declaring that he wanted nothing to do with me to be abusive. I shouldn’t have to be on the defensive from a fight, nor should I be subjected to someone’s tantrums. I made the best decision by walking away when he was trying to pick a verbal fight, and later when it came toother forms of communication.

In the past, I’ve often let someone tell me I was wrong when I wasn’t. Whether it was because I wasn’t assertive enough or that I couldn’t effectively refute what they were saying even I knew they weren’t right, the cost of being on the receiving end of that has been my self-respect.

Even if there was something right about their point, some of these people have gone too far and I let them mistreat me, such as a certain ex-boss. All the negative postings, commentaries, and open letters in the world won’t undo how unprofessional she was towards me. Neither would an action such as giving her the universal gesture or screaming in her face do. All I can do is move on and stand up for myself in the future. Also, taking it up with the boss’s superiors or appropriate agency will. For other situations, it is best to walk away.

The overall cost to me is I’ve let such people take my joy, self-esteem, confidence, energy, etc. They do not deserve it, nor should I let them have it.

“So Hard” by the Pet Shop Boys

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