When I get out of the hospital, this is my to do list:
- Shop (not shoplift) in Beverly Hills.
- Make an appearance on Oprah Winfrey’s show and, while I’m in Chicago, go all the way up the Sear’s Tower.
- Make sure my phone’s set up to block Bryan with a Y’s calls (Do you really think I’d give him my number?).
- Enroll at FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) because that’s where Calvin Klein graduated.
- After graduation from FIT, become the world’s most famous fashion designer.
- Make it ok for men to wear lipstick.
- Pressure radio stations to give Björk’s songs #1 status.
- Walk down Melrose Avenue and look better than any L.A. person.
- Be a fabulous A-lister.
Other things I can put on my to-do list:
- Put together a bouquet of California poppies and give it to Susan.
- Lock Dr. Laura and Dr. Laura (from the hospital) in a room and make them listen to tapes of Dr. Laura’s radio show non-stop.
- Give Edmund a $500 shopping spree at Borders so he can leave my books alone. Bitch slap Bryan with a Y just once (Roger can’t have all the fun here).
- Track Dr. Marcus and cut his dick off. Take amputated dick and shove it down his throat.
There are some other things I can do:
- Design a glamorous dress Roger will love and envy even though it has no sequins or anything else sparkly.
- Get Dylan to stop wearing that Moby t-shirt on his days off (he’s got quite a few of these so this may take some doing).
- Develop my own cosmetic line and the Gold Lady can endorse it.
- I know the Gold Lady drives a Mercedes, but I would get a Volve instead (too many scary people on the freeways).
- Last, but not least, I want to be friends with Shin again.